A normal relationship cycle looks like this:

When a relationship first starts, it is usually accompanied by hot passion and sizzling romance. It fills you up, and you feel like you’re at the top of the world. It’s indeed a great feeling to have another person’s unconditional love and full attention.

However, over time, this feeling wades. The relationship matures into something more stable, less sensational. People simply get use to each other, and the bursting emotional scale recedes back to normal range.

A sustainable long term relationship does not necessarily mean you are constantly feeling ‘high’ with love. On the other hand, it does not mean that we should allow the romance to degenerate into a monotonous, mundane issue between two people.

Rekindling the romance in a long term relationship does take some effort from both parties. It means setting aside time and effort from your busy schedule to maintain and invigorate the relationship.

Here are some tips we all know but lemme recapitulate them for you:

Take Holiday Breaks Together  – Getting away together for a week or two is the best way to rekindle your romance. It does not necessarily have to be a luxurious getaway; just somewhere away from the normal buzz of life. Throw your work aside and get away to somewhere where two of you will not be disturbed; where you can fully enjoy each other’s company.

Celebrate. – Make it a point to celebrate each other’s birthday,  anniversary ,a win at the workplace……it need not be a grand celebration; just a quiet, cozy dinner, and exchanging of small gifts. Gift exchange is something my wife really looks forward to; and anticipation certainly helps to bring some excitement into the relationship.

Do Something Different Together. – Have new experiences together….. a new restaurant, a new park; anything that is different to break the monotony of your routine. A fresh experience every once in a while brings fresh perspectives and rejuvenates your relationship.
 
Separation. – Separation does make the heart go fonder.  If handled well, small separations do help to rekindle the romance in your relationship.
 
Appreciate Each Other. – Even though it may seem obvious, make it a point to show your wife how much you appreciate her. A sincere ‘I love you’ and warm, cuddly hug once in a while certainly drives home the message. Trust me, we all need that assurance sometimes.

Spend Time With Yourself. – A healthy relationship requires time away from each other as well. By spending time with yourself, to think about your life and what you want, it allows you to come back to the relationship as a positive and healthy person. The basis of any healthy relationship is two healthy, positive people coming together.

 Be Present. – The most important tip of all; be present. When out on a date with your partner do not let work distract you from enjoying the date. Ladies are very sensitive and will sense it when her man is preoccupied with other thoughts. Nothing is more of a kill-joy than a boyfriend/husband who does not enjoy her company.

It is important that you take conscious efforts to romance each other; before it degenerates into a humdrum relationship of two people taking each other for granted.

Rekindling your romance does not necessarily mean that you need to bring back the hot lovey-dovey feeling you felt when you were in your teens. Depending on your age, personality and the maturity of your relationship, it can also be just a simple session together and enjoying each other’s company. It’s these small things that make a huge difference in the long run.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, “How heavy is this glass of water? Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. “If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance.”

“In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

He continued, “And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on. “

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. “

“So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.”

So what can you do to reduce the stress you are feeling during divorce?

 Find something to do that you truly enjoy. Call a close friend, hug a dog or baby, volunteer with a group that does something you find worthwhile, write a letter to an old friend, exercise, take a long bath, or watch a funny movie.

If you regularly seek relief from your pain for even five minutes, you will soon discover that the world will start to look just a little bit brighter than it did before.

 Pete lost his job

Samantha lost her twin sister
Radha is  braving a divorce
Mr.Jain was declared  bankrupt
Sam has been diagonosed with a life-threatening illness Your situation could be more subtle - mid life crisis or career change.

Whatever the situation, your life feels unstable……….. like it’s falling apart.
It happens to each of us, in one way or another. Dramatic events and crises can shake us to our roots. But believe it or not, transformation is at work.

Significant life changes are called paradigm shifts.Dramatic life changes can tear apart our old paradigms and force us to create new ones.
In all that happens, we can find a blessing and a curse.

The curse?

Crises are tough and scary times to live through. We lose our ground, our sense of support and we can easily fall into fear. Our thoughts and emotions and often our behavior get thrown into chaos.
And the blessing?

These changes break down old beliefs, illusions, and conditioning that no longer serve us.

Life is waking us up, inviting us to open to a deeper identity. In the rubble of our collapsed concepts, we will discover a new truth about who we are.

 Whatever the shift taking place, this is a time of growth.

I would like to dedicate this post to a dear friend and guide Harish Nair,who has helped me evolve through a difficult phase of my life.This post is my way of trying to help all those who are in the process of going through a Divorce or who have already been through it.Here I give out all that he said to me cause I don`t  want to limit these  precious words to myself.

Recently gone through a divorce……what next?

What emotions are you going through?

Anger

Sadness

Destroyed self esteem

Depression

Blame

Guilt

Insecure about the future

Betrayal

Disconnection

A Divorce is never easy for the people involved.
Please understand that all of the feelings and emotions that surface are normal.   Accept them instead of denying that they exist.  Work through each emotion.   You are not a bad person for thinking or feeling a certain way.

 You are just human.

Keep these in mind:

1.  Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.  Deal with the feelings of anger and sadness.  You have a right to your own feelings.  Let them out.  Write about the, talk about the, scream and cry about them.  Release your feelings.  Take a long bath or shower and then stay in your robe all day and just be with your feelings.  You have to feel to heal.

2.  Understand that it takes a lot of time to recover from divorce.   Healing does not happen overnight.   Don’t let friends or family rush you through the process.  Go about your healing in your own way and at your own pace. Don’t feel guilty about mourning your loss.

3.  Treat yourself often to long walks in the park, massages, movies, eating out, reading a novel, window shopping, and anything else that will make you feel pampered for an hour or so.  Pamper and nurture yourself as much as possible.   Do some things that you put off doing while you were married.  Start taking care of yourself and your needs.

4.  Seek outside help if you feel the need. Reach out to others. Let others help you through your mourning process.  Talk to people that can relate and empathize.NEVER try to hide from friends or family who care.

5.  Be aware of how you think and feel when you are stressed. Try to anticipate how you want to react and then do the opposite. Example: If you usually talk a lot stop and try to listen instead, if you withdraw, stop and start a conversation. It takes time to develop new behaviors. Be persistent. Stop blaming yourself or others for your unhappiness. Take responsibility for your feelings. 

A divorce can be a learning experience that makes you stronger and healthier emotionally.  It all depends on your attitude and how you act after a divorce. You could go through life blaming others for your unhappiness or you could choose to live and learn from this chapter in your life and create a new begining.

The choice is yours.

And may you make the best choice !

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED ? 

THAT MANY INDIVIDUALS

HAVE GREAT PEOPLE SKILLS

— AT WORK

AND WHEN THEY GET HOME

THEY TREAT THEIR FAMILIES—–LIKE

WELL……….NOT VERY GOOD !!!!

 WHY IS THAT ?

IT`S BECAUSE USUALLY IN THE WORKPLACE

THEY MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONS VERY WELL

BUT WHEN THEY GET HOME:

PATIENCE,

COURTESY AND

RESPECT

DISAPPEAR

WELL  ITS  CALLED  THE LACK OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Do we need to give that some thought?)

 

If we empty our heart and examine the contents, most of us will find it filled with
impatience,

 addiction,

 greed,

 insecurity,

 shame,

 meanness,

 stress and

 fear.

It is easy to feel enslaved by falling victim to these negative characteristics. Is it any wonder that we are far removed from having a life filled with joy? We need to have the courage to refine our character, so our heart can be healed from these enslaving feelings.

A joy-filled life is only possible when we are free of these undesirable characteristics. To experience joy every day our heart must be
simple,

 pure and

loving.

 

Listening to our inner call and following our potential will purify and simplify our heart.

When our heart is unwell we feel compelled to fill our lives with all kinds of complexity in order to try and feel fulfilled. Immersed in complexity we are driven to participate in hobbies that do not really fulfil us, relationships that are unsatisfactory and jobs that are draining. To fill the resulting emptiness we surround ourselves with entertainment, possessions and expensive holidays.

When our heart is simple and pure all compulsion leaves us. We feel fulfilled by simple work, fulfilling relationships and a devoted life. We no longer need to be entertained. Having a plethora of possessions becomes a burden. We do not hanker after expensive holidays to make our lives fulfilled. Instead we find joy, inspiration and fulfilment in an enlightening conversation with a friend, a walk in the woods or a simple expression of gratitude at the end of a joy-filled day.

The healing we obtain as we follow our potential is very comprehensive. It heals our bitterness and resentment, our lust for fame, money and power, our lack of confidence, our fear, anger and grief, our relationships and our stress to name but a few. This is because as long as we listen to our calling and explore our potential, love, the most powerful healing medicine, will be growing within us.

1. Give each other permission to be human.

Give your partner space to experience their life, their emotions, and their perspectives, and exercise your rights to do the same. We are each unique and it is natural and healthy to feel a variety of emotions and engage in the fullness of human experience-as long as it does not harm or infringe on others. Rejecting the thoughts and feelings of your partner leads to frustration and unhappiness in the relationship.

2. Combine pleasure with meaning.

Engage in activities that are significant and enjoyable for each of you individually, and for both of you together. Plan frequent events that you enjoy doing together while also allowing for each of you to enjoy and express your unique interests with other friends and colleagues. This builds memories to share, and brings in new adventures and fresh ideas.

3. Happiness depends on your state of mind.

The attitude of each partner in the relationship is a significant determinant in the happiness factor. Barring extreme circumstances, our sense of well being is strongly determined by how we choose to view our life and relationship. Are you positive and optimistic, or critical and focused on what is wrong?

4. Simplify!

When possible, reduce the busy-ness and stress levels in your life, and you will notice a greater level of relaxation and joy in the relationship. Focus on the simple joys of being together and connecting, rather than on complex plans or trying to figure out every quirk and habit of your partner.

5. Nurture your body, feed your mind.

Regular exercise, adequate sleep, and healthy eating habits lead to physical as well as mental health. Continue to improve and grow on all levels to remain a fascinating and attractive partner.

Whether looking for that special mate, or seeking to elevate the happiness factor in your existing relationship, you will find benefits in applying these suggestions.

6. Express gratitude and appreciation.

We all love to be noticed and appreciated. While it may become easy to take our partner for granted over time, resist the temptation to allow the relationship to fall into atrophy. Setting up a pattern of gratitude will encourage your partner to reciprocate. Pay attention to the little things your partner does for you, and find creative ways to show them you recognize the value they bring to your life.

“My wife of 2 years and I have a running argument. When we are home together on the weekends, I like the house to be quiet, especially if I am working on a project where I need to concentrate.

She, on the other hand, likes noise. As soon as he gets out of bed, she turns the TV or the stereo on. She won’t even be watching the TV. She could be out in the garden /talking to the neighbour….. but she leaves the TV on in the house. When she turns the stereo on,we end up rattling because we have entirely different tastes.

How can we resolve this? I know it’s not as serious a problem as you may sometimes get, but I think our inability to resolve this is a sign of something worse going on in our relationship.

If we can’t resolve a little thing like this, what will we do when we are faced with a big problem? What suggestions do you have for us?”
   ~W and B

Is This Your Story Too ?

Partnerships are in many ways like real, seagoing ships. Just like a sailing vessel needs regular, constant care and upkeep, your partnerships need regular care and upkeep.

The crew of a sailing ship is knowledgeable in the standard practices of seamanship, which is absolutely required to maintain a ship’s seaworthiness. Unfortunately, most people are not knowledgeable in the standard practices of maintaining their partner-ships.

Yet, most people in partnerships of any kind are usually focused on the goals of the partnership, whether building a life or a business or a community center. There is very little attention paid to the partner-ship itself.

And often, somewhere along the voyage of life, the partner-ship is unable to withstand the inevitable and predictable storms of life that can damage both the partners and the partner-ship.

 So remember a few points here:

Make choices grounded in love rather than fear

Mutually agree upon strategies for dealing with predictable breakdowns, i.e., miscommunications, upsets or disagreements, and use them when needed

Commit to win/win outcomes

Communicate honestly from the heart and practice high-performance listening

Share power rather than struggle for it.

Assume personal responsibility for your emotional reality and refrain from blame

Nurture a conscious relationship with your Soul.

Some practical solutions I would put up for consideration in this case would be:

Consider buying a set of cordless headphones.

Set time frames for the times when the house needs to be quiet and when putting on loud music is o.k

Whatever you two decide but try to make it doing it `our way` rather than `my way` and try to make it a win-win solution for both.

Cheers !
 

Start Where You Stand

Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won’t help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that’s enough, you’re done with it, you’re through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don’t give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.

The world won’t care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.

Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day’s the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.

Berton Braley

Pain is natural and almost unavoidable when you break up, but people have many ways of unwittingly increasing their pain and prolonging it. A lot of your pain may be entirely unnecessary.

Most unnecessary pain is caused by a very bad habit — negative thinking. There are self-defeating thought patterns that keep you stuck in anger, anxiety or depression. Whether they are aware of it or not, people almost continually describe the world to themselves, and it’s that quiet, constant voice that forms your attitude — your predisposition to experience things negatively.

Don’t be too quick to decide that you don’t do this — it is so habitual that you may not even be conscious of it. That’s what makes it hard to deal with.

Negative thinking causes you to paint your life in black with too broad a brush. The way you see things will be one-sided, overly simple and unbalanced. Negative thinking keeps you boxed in, limits your possibilities, keeps you from seeing solutions and prevents you from moving forward with your life.

What you think turns into what you feel.